Just because you say you don’t have a favorite child, doesn’t mean everyone around you can’t tell whom you like best.
Take the episode of “The Crown” in which Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, asks Queen Elizabeth II if she knows which child is her favorite. She insists she loves them all equally in this fictionalized account of the British royal family, but Philip tells her that the family members know whom she prefers.
Birth order, temperament and gender may all affect the way you parent your child as well as if you favor one over the other, according to a study published Thursday by the American Psychological Association.
The study was a meta-analysis in which researchers analyzed data from 30 studies and 14 databases with information on more than 19,000 people. Besides taking note of age, personality traits and gender, researchers also looked at how parents reported their overall treatment, control, resource allocation, and positive and negative interactions with each child.
Can you guess who tended to be the favorites?
Daughters and children who were more conscientious and agreeable were likely to get better treatment from their parents.
“The next time you’re left wondering whether your sibling is the golden child, remember there is likely more going on behind the scenes than just a preference for the eldest or youngest,” said lead study author Dr. Alexander Jensen, an associate professor at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, in a news release. “It might be about responsibility, temperament or just how easy or hard you are to deal with.”
Impact of favoritism
Favoritism can be temporary and change depending on the circumstances, said Dr. Ellen Weber Libby, a retired clinical psychologist and author of “The Favorite Child: How a Favorite Impacts Every Family Member for Life.”
Maybe the child you favor has a quality that reminds you of a beloved grandmother you’ve lost. Or it could be the child is attuned to your emotions and lends a helping hand after a hard day, Weber Libby added.
You can love all your children, but it doesn’t mean you are immune from preferring to spend time with one over the other or treating them differently.
The kids who get the preferential treatment tend to have some advantages compared with those who don’t, according to the study.
Favorite children have better mental health, better grades, more ability to regulate their emotions and healthier relationships, the study found.
But being the preferred child isn’t always such a good deal, Weber Libby said.
Favored children might get overindulged, which does not teach them good life skills for later in life. They also might get the message that they have to perform in certain ways to get attention and care, which may keep them from living freely, she said.
Those who aren’t favored can sometimes –– but certainly not always –– find themselves with more difficulties in adulthood, Weber Libby said.
“Children who are treated less favorably are particularly at risk for greater substance use, poorer mental health, poorer family relationships. They also tend to get in trouble more at school and home,” Jensen added.
How do you keep things fair and square?
The key is to be open and honest with yourself about any preferential treatment that may arise and act accordingly, Jensen said.
“The challenge is that that siblings are different from one another and have to be parented differently to some degree — but hopefully in healthy and appropriate ways,” he said. “These findings matter because they give parents a launching point to think about which of their children they may tend to treat more or less favorably.”
If children understand why they are being treated differently than their siblings, they are less affected by such action, Jensen said.
For example, Jensen’s oldest daughter came to him when she was about 6 years old and complained that she had fewer dresses than her younger sister. He pointed out to her that her sister was getting her hand-me-downs, which explained why she had more dresses.
“She looked at me and said, ‘Oh, that makes sense, OK.’ Then she jumped up and ran off to play,” he said.
“I hope parents will use our study as a catalyst to consider how they may treat their children differently, then work to make sure those differences are fair and understood by their children,” Jensen said.
It is also important that you be ready to hear when you might be doling out extra privileges or harsher responses based on your preferences, Weber Libby said. Keep an open mind when your partner, family members or friends point out differences in your parenting and be ready to correct it.
“Don’t be afraid to ask your kids how they are doing. Even if they don’t say it outright, your kids will let you know if they think things are unfair between them and their siblings,” Jensen said. “If that’s the case, try not to be defensive, but rather try to have a discussion about it.”
